24 January 2007

Behold the Dianetichrist™... Tom Cruise™!

Utterly creepy Scientology führer David Miscavige has anointed utterly creepy Hollywood gobot Tom Cruise as the cultish corporate religion's new "Christ."

According to British tabloid The Sun, Cruise "has been told he has been 'chosen' to spread the word of his faith throughout the world. And leader David Miscavige believes that in future, Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion."

"Raise awareness of the religion" roughly equates to "harass the fuck out of unsuspecting citizens until they give in and give it up."

A "source close to the actor" told the Sun that like Jesus, Tom's been "criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right."

Cruise already has some experience playing a shunned, immortal being that insists on having the last word, having played Lestat in 'Interview with the Vampire.' And who can forget the way he subdued the most powerful woman on Earth with deadly LRH™-approved bolts of lightning and a smile on his face?

Maybe Cruise can perform a Jesus-like miracle of film editing and fix his fucked-up acting in 'Eyes Wide Shut.'

And I don't mean to be glib, but I have to ask: Does this mean we get to nail him to a couple of planks or something?

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