"Trying to take the internal temp of a very thin pork chop. I feel like latter-period Keith Richards searching for a vein." - James Lileks"Outlaw exclusions for 'preexisting conditions'? Fine. You've got a 'shmeexisting shmondition.' Denied." - David Waldman
"Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez said that Israel annihilates people and is hostile to peace. Well, he's so off our synagogue mailing list." - Yori Yanover
"This year has been like a big coming-out party for closet racists." - Chris Dashiell
"(George Hamilton farts) || crispy man whistles // stifles laughter as you smell // coppertone and ass" - 12 Bit Haiku
"I am soon to introduce the 'I Am John Mayer' app. It will feature a masturbation log and a random pretentious musing generator." - John Mayer
"Why do crazy ppl always TYPE IN ALLCAPS? Is there some Strunk & White style guide for paranoid drivel that I don't know about?" - Michael Lazzaro
"misogynistic humor offends me because some of my best friends are cunts." - Sarah Silverman
"MISSING: Community organizer. Abducted by corp lobbyists. Last seen in Oval Office. If found, please return." - Wendy Norris
"Has Playboy come out with a 'Hot Girls of Twitter' issue yet?" - Mike Sheehan
"This has all the makings of the weirdest NFL season ever. Seeds being planted for months. Now blooming." - Bill Simmons
"5 yrs ago, Dixie Chicks were crucified b/c they weren't proud the Prez was Texan. Now OK to call Prez 'Hitler' and shield kids from him" - Markos Moulitsas
"If 3,000 people gather for healthcare reform, will the media make a sound?" - Nick Cargo
"i'm old enough to remember the women of America falling in love with a romantic half man-half lion who lived in the sewers" - Jake Tapper
"This Labor Day, let's celebrate the American worker. Does anyone know his address?" - Andy Borowitz
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