14 October 2009

Strange wonders of old ads

These sick, twisted, subversive, suggestive, hilarious gems of mid-20th century advertising and graphic design were plucked from the treasure trove at Plan59.com. I suggest you go there just as soon as you're done reading my smart-ass comments below.

I guess it somehow makes sense that a smiling phallic cuke would step into a tub full of pee; maybe the urine brine helps speed the pickling process.

It's the O'Hideous family out for a Sunday canoe row! Dad seems to be enjoying a new toy he ordered from Sears Roebuck & Sodomy. From the angle of the side windows it looks like they just flew off an Evel Knievel-worthy stunt ramp, and meant to. Their mouths are full of alien jam... or perhaps the blood of innocents.

"Nice-lookin' meat ya got there, Art." "Why thanks, Bob. Say, I think your burgers are scorched." Meanwhile, in the back, Mrs. Bob seems to also sense the heat—of burning manpassion.

They didn't need that dadblasted Viagra back in the good old days, by golly. A fellow could "snap to attention" for the Missus at a moment's notice. And forever disgust his teenage daughter in the process.

"Dis would look great on me. Say Ma, can I borrow it?" Weirdness abounds in this particular ad. Why are they storing caviar in the washing machine? Does no one realize the alien facehugger plant on the shelf will soon emit a cloud of spores? Also note the dartboard nailed to the fine faux-wood paneling and placed precariously over a chair. And if you look at the window, either it's bricked up, or the house next door is so close that it's actually inside the dart room. Cross-Dressing Carl seems too preoccupied to notice anything amiss.

Who knew there were even gay teens in the 1950's? Nowadays this would make for one hell of a porn mag or website title. By the way, that dog should probably have its infected-looking nutsack checked out by a vet.

This advertisement could pass for a still shot from some bad Elvis movie or TV variety show. The sailors in back seem ready to say aloud in unison, "Looks like Sherman and his beard Dinah are gonna go see the USA—(breaking into song) IN THEIR CHEV-RO-LET!" followed by a Tony-worthy dance number. Hopefully the choreography isn't marred by the fact that the third deckhand from the left has a giant letter H jammed into his backside.

Kitchens are fine and dandy, but Chester grinning lasciviously in the back clearly prefers the steamy confines of a bathroom (complete with bathing Boy Scout) for his observational needs. He must be thrilled that the countless patient hours of towel-removal training he put Barfy through have paid off handsomely.

Santa wants you relentlessly greedy capitalist swine to suffer and die by slowly drowning in your own black sputum. Hence his cheerily-wrapped gift of coffin pegs just for you.

These two gentlemen are enjoying refreshing glasses of Kinsey brand blended whiskey as they relax by the pool. Ned on the right has taken the boozy relaxation a step further by resting his feet in the lap of Ted on the left. Ted appears to be analyzing the chemical composition of the drink with his Detecto-Specs; who knows where his right hand is. Meanwhile a voyeuristic polka-dotted sea monster is taking in the scene with an excited smile. Basically, this ad is about two things: cocktails and cock tales. Kinsey indeed!

We close with what can only be described as the perfect birthday gift for the colonoscopy hobbyist in your family or your friendly neighborhood proctologist. Gotta love that it has "more experience behind it than any other make" of rectal gouger. And note the gaping O's emblazoned everywhere. Goatse-tastic!

(Hat tip to Mr. Cargo for his supporting wisecracks.)

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